As parents, we all naturally have expectations of what we can realistically expect a child can do. For example, you wouldn’t expect a five-year-old to be able to write an essay, make a hot meal, or a walk home from school independently, but you might expect that of a fifteen-year-old.
Developmentally appropriate expectations
Often, we will use these expectations about our child’s ability to guide what we expect of them and their behaviour. For example, if a five-year-old is playing a game in the living room and accidently knocks over the TV, we’ll likely respond very differently to if a fifteen-year-old did that same thing. We understand that the five-year-old wasn’t able to think of the potential risks of playing a running game indoors, or foresee that they might accidently break the TV. If we haven’t told them there is no running in the living room, they might not know that this isn’t ok, or if we have told them this rule, it is more understandable that they might have forgotten or need reminding. Similarly, five-year-olds need to run around, and as they can’t go outside alone, they were going need to burn off the energy somewhere in the house. Lastly, we wouldn’t expect a five-year-old to know the value of the TV, so we can’t expect them to understand why replacing it is harder than replacing the £5 toy they broke last week. We might, however, expect a fifteen-year-old to know better – to know that that sort of game should be played outside, to not need to be told not to run around in the house, to be able to think about what could go wrong if they were to play a running game indoors, and to know quite how much a TV is worth and how expensive it will be to replace.
We’ll also use these expectations to guide how we respond to our child’s behaviour. For a five-year-old who has run into and accidently broken the TV, we may need to set out a rule that we don’t run near the TV, and make sure we remind them of this rule. We may need to explain that the TV is something we can’t fix so we have to wait for a new one. We may also need to help them think of what they could do instead by encouraging them to do a different game which isn’t going to risk causing damage. However, for a fifteen-year-old, we might expect them to do extra chores/reduce their pocket money to help pay for the cost of a new TV, if they were playing with a friend we might say they can’t play with that friend inside for a set time, and if they have a tv/laptop/tablet that they have to let the family use that as a replacement TV until the new one arrives.
Neurodevelopmentally appropriate expectations
When you have a child who is neurodivergent, you need to think a little more carefully. Neurodivergent children are developing in a different way, and so may have some areas where they are more advanced than their age would suggest, and others in which they are further behind. There may be some things that (at the moment) they don’t understand (or understand in the same way you do), can’t do, or can’t cope with. This isn’t about lack of effort or wilful disobedience; it is about the way their brain works. We therefore need to understand what our child can do, can do with support, and can’t do yet. If they can’t do something (or can only do something with support that perhaps we’ve forgotten to give) then it is unfair of us to treat that in the same way as we would a behaviour we know a child can do but chose not to.
For example, a 15-year-old teenager with ADHD will likely be forgetful. We might expect most other 15-year-olds to be able to, for example, remember to bring the right books for school, not lose their phone, and remember what they are meant to be doing in class. However, for a teenager with ADHD, despite being 15, these might be significant challenges for them, and (unless they happen to remember every other homework except maths, and happen to hate maths!) this isn’t deliberate, it isn’t about a lack of effort, and it isn’t something they can ‘just try harder’ to do better at – this is about how their brain works. Therefore, it would be hugely unfair to have the same level of consequences for them, or put the sole responsibility for solving this problem on them for this in the same way you might for a typically developing teenager. Rather, this is something they are going to need a lot of help with, and the teenager, parents and school are going to have to work together to find strategies that work for them.
Similarly, an autistic child might be 15, and in many ways act like a 15-year-old (or even older). However, they may also have a genuine difficulty understanding neurotypical expectations, leading them to say something neurotypical people find inappropriate without realising. For an autistic 15-year-old, this likely isn’t deliberate, but due to them genuinely not understanding that what they said, the way they said it, or who they said it to is something a neurotypical person might think is inappropriate. If you reprimand a typically developing teenager, they’ll likely understand why you are unhappy with their behaviour, but for an autistic teenager this might feel like it is coming out of the blue and over nothing. Instead, an autistic teenager is likely to need help to understand what the neurotypical expectations are, and why what they said made someone feel sad/upset/angry and why, so next time they can approach a similar situation with a better understanding of what neurotypical people might be thinking, feeling, or expecting. Equally, it will be important that other people understand that communication is a two-way street, that your autistic teenager likely isn’t meaning to come off in a way that others feel isn’t appropriate, and that they need to understand your teenager's communication as much as your teenager needs to understand other people’s.Lastly, a child with an intellectual disability might well be fifteen years old, look fifteen years old, have the hormones and experiences of a fifteen-year-old, and want to do things other fifteen-year-olds want to do. However, their understanding of things like money might be delayed, and so similar so that of a younger child. Therefore, a fifteen-year-old with an intellectual disability who spends a month’s worth of pocket money in a day then asks for more isn’t deliberately trying to overspend so you have to give them more. Rather, they are likely finding it hard to understand the value of money, or how long it has to last, and so might need help to develop these skills or budget their money.
It is very easy to make assumptions about what your child can and can’t do. This means that it can be easy to forget what a child finds challenging, or assume they should be able to do something because of their age, how old they look, or because they have a relative strength on one area, such as their language skills. All children will push boundaries and do things they know they aren’t meant to – including neurodivergent children. Like all children, neurodivergent children need clear and regular expectations for their behaviour from adults, clear boundaries, praise for following rules, and consequences when these boundaries are crossed. However, when you have a neurodivergent child, it is important that you understand their unique profile of strengths and difficulties. You will then be able set neurodevelopmentally appropriate expectations of your child, and identify what is a genuine difficulty that needs support, and what is deliberate misbehaviour requiring a consequence.
In today’s digital age children can be at risk of falling foul to the influence of others especially on the internet where people may not always be who they appear to be. Managing a child’s access to the internet or knowing what your child is viewing can help give you as a parent peace of mind, especially when the internet and technology can also be an important resource for neurodivergent children.
The Cerebra Centre have produced a handy guide to internet safety for parents of children with Autism or Learning Disabilities. This includes ways to make your home and mobile internet safe, a discussion of the risks of using the internet (and how to manage these) and the benefits of using the internet for young people developing differently
Internet Matters discusses the first steps into social media and the issues that may arise. It has excellent advice for both parents of and young people with additional needs regarding the use of the internet and how best to stay safe. All information provided has been created in a way that is accessible and inclusive of those with special educational needs and disabilities.
There are numerous resources and information available through UK Safer Internet Centre. With guides and training on everything from gaming and bullying to misinformation and coercion it tackles many different challenges children may come across when using the internet. It is an ideal resource for all, including parents, teachers and other professionals.
Parent – Safeguarding your Child’s Wellbeing – Online Safety & Bullying created by Fife CAMHS is an online workshop aimed at looking at and thinking about the impact of internet use, online safety and bullying on children’s well-being.
Other resources that are worth viewing regarding online safety are Family Fund which looks at safe uses of iPads and tablets and CEOP Education, created by the National Crime Agency, to help protect children and young people from online sexual abuse.
Everyone has bad days when they feel overwhelmed, when they don’t have time for their own needs, or feel they are not a ‘good’ parent. Usually with some support from friends and family, a bit of time, getting a break to look after yourself, these feelings pass quickly and don’t happen too often. However, if these feelings start to happen regularly, it is important to notice, and ensure you are looking after your own needs as a parent, so that you are able to be the parent you want to be for your children.
The Cerebra Network have produced a helpful guide on Emotional Wellbeing for parents and carers of children with an Intellectual Disability, although many of the points it makes will be relevant to parents of other children developing differently.
Enquire is the Scottish advice service for additional support for learning. They provide easy to understand advice and information about additional support for learning legislation and guidance for families and professionals. They also have an advice line for parents that is designed to help them identify local advocacy services. For parents of Autistic Children, the Scottish Autism advice line may also be helpful
Parent Club has some great tips for looking after your mental health, dealing with negative thoughts and advice on coping with stress and further resources for finding support. They also have a great little video about Keeping calm after a stressful day and information about coping with being a parent.
Parenting any child is hard, and most parents need some support, be it from family, friends, or services and organisations. Parenting a child who thinks in a different way to you, and is experiencing all the challenges that come with thinking differently can be even more challenging. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. One source of support could be Fife Social Work. Fife Social Work aim to support families and can advise on local council run or third sector supports. This might include respite, or support at home. For children with a disability, you can request a Section 23 assessment from Fife Council. A Section 23 Assessment is a formal assessment of your child’s needs. You can also request a carer’s assessment to ensure your needs are also looked at, so you have the support you need to support your child with their needs. You can contact the Fife Social Work Contact Centre on 03451 551503.
The Cerebra network have a wide selection of guides for parents of children with an intellectual disability, including ones about accessing support, yours and your child’s rights to support and services, and how to access them.
Some other useful websites to visit are Action for Children and Anna Freud which both have some excellent strategies to assist with helping parents with stress and other mental health issues, along with Clear Your Head and Breathing Space.
A big area that could be causing stress or burnout is difficulties within relationships within the family unit such as conflict, separation or changes. Relate can offer help regarding parenting and family life issues including new parents, step-families, different parenting approaches and has various testimonies from other parents as well as a virtual assistant for live help. There is also excellent advice offered by Relationships Scotland who can offer relationship counselling, family mediation and other family support.
Providing emotional and practical support to a loved one can often take a toll on carers which can lead to stress, burnout, anxiety or low mood. The Carers’ Self-Help Project provides support in Fife for carers of children, young people, and adults with autistic spectrum conditions who struggle with their own mental health. The service is open to carers whose loved one has already received their diagnosis or who are on the diagnostic pathway.
This Fife-wide service offers up to six, free, one hour 1:1 coaching sessions that teaches self-care techniques to help clients manage any current difficulties they may be experiencing. Group sessions are also available. It offers a blended model of delivery including phone calls, video sessions and face-to face.
Most children and young people with neurodevelopmental differences can have their needs met through universal supports offered in schools. This might include simple adaptations to their learning or the environment. However, some young people may experience more significant barriers to their learning and need additional or intensive level supports to ensure their needs are met. It can be hard to hear that your child may be experiencing difficulties at school, especially if this is impacting on their attendance, emotional wellbeing, and/or daily living. School issues can cover a wide range of topics, including engagement with learning, social difficulties, homework, challenging behaviour, school refusal and exclusions (to name but a few).
Getting It Right For Every Child (GIRFEC) is the framework which all public sector bodies use when supporting children and young people. It sets out the principles and values of how we work, how we consider child wellbeing, and how organisations like health and education work together. You can read more about how this is used in Fife here.
Family Lives contains a wide range of information about supporting children and young people with some of the difficulties they might be experiencing in school. It also offers a forum to join as well as a live chat feature to get advice first hand.
Things To Try has some great advice about why children may find it difficult to attend school and what can be done to support them with this.
The Educational Psychology Service provides consultation and advice to schools and parents about children’s wellbeing, learning and behaviour. They work closely with parents, teachers and other professionals to help children succeed and make the most of their education
Enquire is the Scottish advice service for additional support for learning. They provide easy to understand advice and information about additional support for learning legislation and guidance for families and professionals. They also produced a guide for parents and carers on anxiety related absence and have an advice line for parents that is designed to help them identify local advocacy services.
The National Autism Implementation Team (NAIT) have produced an excellent guide for professionals on anxiety related school absence.
The Autism Toolbox has great resources for teachers of autistic students experiencing anxiety.
Another great resource to look at is Call Scotland (Communication, Access, Literacy and Learning) who help children across Scotland overcome disability and barriers to learning. They provide training, assessment and support and can also lend equipment for use at home or school in order to identify suitability.
Setting clear rules and boundaries is important for all children, including neurodivergent children – being neurodivergent does not mean your child shouldn’t have boundaries. However, it is important that these are set with Neurodevelopmentally appropriate expectations of your child. This ensures we are not expecting our child to do things they can’t do, and that we are expecting them to do things we know they are able to do in situations when they are able to do them. Also, it is particularly important that we think about our communication with our child. This helps us to make sure they know (and remember/can see) what is expected of them, and what the rules are. More importantly, good communication means we can be confident that when we are praising and rewarding our child for following the rules, that that praise is understood and is meaningful to them. Our condition specific groups for parents, available through Access Therapies, can be helpful in understanding what developmentally appropriate expectations of your child might look like, and how to apply everyday parenting strategies in a way that is understanding of your child’s differences.
Even when we know what to do, it can be challenging to set and keep clear rules and boundaries. Parenting isn’t easy, particularly when you think differently to your child, are managing your own mental and physical health needs, juggling finances, and managing work pressures. This is why parent self-care is really important. You may also find it helpful to look at our pages with links to support for Employment , Housing and financial advice and Health, Wellbeing and Connection. Our condition specific parent groups also provide space to reflect on what it is like to parent a neurodivergent child, and the thoughts and feelings this can bring up.
NHS Lothian has also produced helpful leaflets on coping with challenging behaviour using different methods:
The Solihull Approach is an excellent resource that offers training to professionals, parents, teams and organisations that work alongside children and families and focuses on emotional health and well-being. Two excellent parent workshops they offer are below which give an idea of how to understand your child depending on their age and stage (password TARTAN)